in serious and sad news i found out that a really close friend died yesterday morning. this is the first ive really been able to sit and express anything about it…his name was ryan means and he was a remarkable human being. i met him last year when i started nannying for he and his wife. ryan was such an odd character. a special forces soilder who love his country almost as much as he loved his family. i remember the first time i went over to meet with heather to see if i was a good fit for elizabeth, walking into their home was amazing. it wasnt like finding a second home or anything, but it fit. the first thing i saw when i entered the living room were 3 banksy prints on the wall and around a dozen antique cameras accenting the room. i knew i was going to love these parents as much as i adored elizabeth, whom id cared for at the gym daycare where i was working when i met them. heather informed me that the prints and cameras i was drooling over did in fact come from her “crazy husband”. i laughed, she smiled and said “no, really.” then we both laughed. as she took me on a brief tour of their home, i found many more things that i was delighted over that showed just the kind of people i was going to come to know and adore, a campaign poster for hunter s thompson, dozens of family photos, a great nursery, a clean, though in the process of being remodeled kitchen, photography books, and an american flag that upon closer inspection was made up of red white and blue army men melted together. i went to work for them last april and it was wonderful. i grew to love and respect heather and ryan.

heather i got instantly, we just clicked. ryan perplexed me from our first meeting, through the first time i stayed to hang out with them after working one night, up until the last email i read from him. one of the greatest moments of our friendship, and i know our liking of each other was mutual, was when he relayed the halloween he dressed up as hedwig, yes, as in hedwig and the angry inch, and even showed me the picture he had of the night…we talked about art, literature, film, advertising, politics, love, relationships, crazy people who he offered to “wisen up” for me, his beautiful daughter elizabeth and lots of other things in the time that i knew him. he was a truly wonderful man. he and i had many very different beliefs and views on things, but we also shared what was, at least to me, an obvious respect for each others views and intelligence. that wa something we were both very fond of in the other . ive never gotten along so well with a military man before, and i really do think that the small time i spent gaining ryan as a friend has changed the way i view and interact with my own military father…and for that i am so grateful. ryan and i gave each other a hard time about certain things (politic especially) but every conversation ended with laughter. and thats how i will always remember him…he had an overpowering, deep from the soul, full body laugh that was simply contagious. i dont think there was ever an interaction that didnt include at least one laugh out of ryan in all the months i was around that house. of course the fact that we were interacting as he was coming home to elizabeth may have had something to do with that, because there was no doubting his complete love and devotion to that little girl. and she always made him smile and laugh. i will never be able to forget it.

in may while serving in iraq ryan realized he had developed jaundice. upon further testing it was learned that he had a form of very rare bile duct/liver cancer. over the weeks between now and then he had several opperations.. on july 1st the big operation to remove the tumor happened. the night of the surgery they didnt think he would pull through, but ever the fighter, he did. over the next 5 days he fought against the complications and they started to be a little optimistic about his recovery.

cue yesterday morning. i was woken up by someone ringing my doorbell. 15 minutes before my alarm was scheduled to go off. when i got to the door i found a woman with a bible and a pamphlet…i guess shed heard two heathen girls lived there…after i listened to her spiel through mostly still asleep and showing it eyes, i grumpily went back to my bed.my anger was completely erased and replaced with a sadness and pain and sense of loss i cant really explain…i looked at my phone like i always do when i wake up and saw a message from heather. it simply said:

WE LOST HIM. I CANT BELIEVE IT. POOR ELIZ AND SOPHIE WILL NEVER KNOW HIM.

and thats what makes it so much worse. elizabeth is now just a year and a half. and to add even more terribleness to this, on june 13, heather gave birth to their second daughter, sophie.

i dont even know what to say or even think really. ive been in this weird state of depression since yesterday morning…im giving myself until i wake up tomorrow to continue feeling like this. ryan would probably yell at me right now if possible and tell me to snap out of it. over the past few weeks ive been getting email updates from him and im so glad the he never lost his sense of humor. he was such a damned smart ass and thats part of why we got along so well. he saw beauty and light in places where i know i would be hardpressed to. that was simply the kind of man he was. an extraordinary one.

i know that even though they will never really know their father, elizabeth and sophie will definitely know the kind of man he was. ryans family and all of us friends will see to that whenever and however possible. it would be impossible not to showcase the love, admiration, and respect that you had for ryan when talking about him…im smiling through these stupid tears as im thinking about him. and they are so very lucky to have heather. she is stupendous. a remarkable woman who doesnt give herself near enough credit for being as awesome as she is. i have told her a few times before that whenever i would hear friends talking about life being over when you have kids and how you stop being cool, id would laugh and say no. then tell people about her and ryan. i dont think i ever really explained how much i truly look at them as examples of that being not true. amazing parents and remarkably hip. ryan made fun of me whenever i called him hip, freak. those little girls are lucky to have her.

i feel like he knows what im doing right now and wants to smack me in the back of the head, so im going to stop now. i simply had to get it out…

ryan was simply extraordinary. and he will be greatly missed.

to use his favorite expression “keep on rockin in the free world”, fight hard, and love harder.